#3 Psychological tests results

March 10th, therapy session #3

Last weekend, I did 12 psychological tests.

  • Basic information questionnaire
  • MMPI(Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory)
  • Amen brain system checklist
  • Sentence completion test
  • Moudsley Obsessive-Compulsive inventory
  • BDI(Beck Depression Inventory)
  • Adult Attachment inventory
  • Childhood Trauma questionnaire
  • The Social Provisions Scale
  • Beck anxiety scale
  • Eating Disorder Inventory
  • Negative / Positive memories

Phew. I already did some of the test several times before but did it again. And it was quite depressing that my negative answers of sentence completion test didn’t changed that much from 2 years ago.

Anyway, I got my results back today and my nurse explained it for me. And… wow. I didn’t know that I have that much anger in me. The results showed that I am a passive and feminine person with high level of perfectionism. My self standard is too high and difficult to reach, which makes me angry consciously or unconsciously all the time. But I don’t express my negative feelings or thoughts to others because I am so introverted. Instead I always self-deprecate. My self-deprecating level was soaring to the sky literally. I was shocked because it was way higher than I expected. My nurse said that I tend to obsess with unrealistic and subjective thoughts as a result of self-deprecating. I keep thinking about some negative thought repeatedly. High level of doubt, paranoia, obsessive compulsive, pessimism was the result of my negativism. However, I am not used to letting out my feelings since my feeling awareness ability is low. I’m not able to feel my own feelings because of the urge to control myself and a long term diet. I deny my anxiety  usually but when it burst out it make my self and other people (especially my family) tough.

My nurse said depression and anger lie beyond the weight problem in my mind and I tend to give up and blame myself when I can’t meet the perfect standard that I set. I always have been whenever my weight went up. I doubted and judged therapies useless and went back to my own cave.

She told me the purpose of the psychological therapy; Counseling is a process of making an art piece together. Some steps such as wiping, cutting and sculpting are surely difficult but worth it. The goal is not  changing all the characteristics and things that I have. Instead it’s a practice of learning to use those in a healthy way. As I get to know myself, I will have power to see my thoughts in a wider perspective and won’t control or defend feelings inappropriately. So I should speak up my thoughts honestly and never give up.

The results were depressing but I wasn’t that sad because of her. Lucky to have someone to help me out. I won’t give up this time. Hang in there xx









Punishing myself

img_1360After binging and purging on Wednesday, I became more anxious about weight gaining and worrying that I might not lose any pound. As I promised myself to measure weight every Monday nomatter what happens before (binging on Sunday for example), I wanted to do something – kind of punishing myself.

So I skipped breakfast yesterday, walked to the office and walked back to home as well. After eating a small cup of low fat yogurt for dinner, I went to gym and worked out longer and harder than I used to. In total I worked out about 4 hours with barely eating in a day. Seeing my sweat-wet tshirt after working out, I could ease my guilt a little.

As I planned to stick with this schedule till the end of this week, I ate 10 cherry tomatoes and a low fat yogurt this morning. I HATE tomatoes. I hate the taste, the scent, the texture, everything. But I ate it. To punish myself. To punish my binging. Instead of eating a delicious apple or a sweetpotato as a good start of a day, I chose tomatoes to show myself a little piece of misery. I wanted to cry until I finish chewing and swallowing those horrible 10 little things. Do I really have to do this to me?

I know punishment with harder exercise and restriction on food might lead to sudden food cravings. I am really aware of it and I’m afraid of it. But I can’t stop myself. I just can’t stop thinking about weight and guilt and redemption.

If nothing special happens, I will have a small cup of lowfat yogurt for dinner and go to gym, workout harder as yesterday. My redemption will success if my weight goes down on Monday.

Sigh, where am I going. I feel so alone.