#6,7 Don’t know what to say

21 March, Therapy session #6

24 March, Therapy session #7

 

The psychiatric therapy I’ve been doing is focusing on something different from 2 previous therapy I did (but gave up) before. Childhood trauma. I’ve never expected I would recall my childhood memories because I usually talked about my present life before. My present doctor believes that ED is deeply related to babyhood and childhood because people build their ego, especially self-esteem during this time. He said that low self-esteem is based on ED, which is formatted between a relationship with a child and a mother. When a mother neglects her child’s emotion, the child thinks that mother doesn’t like her/him because she/he is worthless. In this way, repetitive child negligence results in low self-esteem. As the child grows and when her/his self-esteem is mixed with depression or obsession, ED could easily lapse.

I always thought that the cause of my ED and weight obsession was bullying, though my self-esteem was low before that. And I couldn’t accept the word ‘child negligence’ because I thought my mom devoted her life for me and cared about me all the time. I am quite confused and don’t know how to embrace these facts… I remember that my mom had a serious depression for a couple of years when I was 2 or 3 years old but… That can be the reason of my low self-esteem? How could that be related to my ED and obsession and perfectionism? And is that the reason why I always feel some kind of pressure to make my mom satisfied?

Though my doctor and nurse told me to think it slowly, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even remember those time so how could I know that I experienced emotional negligence…? And most of all I feel guilty to my mom though I really don’t blame her.

So confused…

#4,5 Putting myself in a tiny box

13 mar, 2017 therapy session #4 , 17 mar, 2017 therapy session #5

 

Why am I overly self conscious? Why do I obsess with being perfect? And why do I think  being skinny equals living happy life?

I struggle to stay skinny to look good to other people, more than my own satisfaction. I hate to admit but yes, I want people to think me as a pretty, kind, skinny girl like a barbie on a stage. I’m over the moon whenever people tell me I am pretty or skinny and I’m even anxious when I hear nothing. Happy life starts with self management and it means being skinny. People don’t look down on me when I am pretty and skinny. So weight is life…

My nurse told me that she couldn’t find any humanity in a barbie doll. She told me that there are lots of good points of me but I’m not seeing them. She said that I struggle to put myself in a tiny box which doesn’t fit me at all. As she said I’m trying to put my existence in my changeable body all the time. It made my mind so unstable whenever weight goes up or down. I need to know my ego and value is much bigger than my appearance and weight. I need to know that I am just myself no matter what other people think.

A lot to catch up on myself… I’ll keep you posted xx