9 Feb 2017, Binged yesterday

Right now I’m trying really hard to control myself from the temptation of binging. It’s the extension of yesterday’s binge eating. It’s been two weeks since last time’s binge. Everything was okay till 10:50 AM. I cleaned up the office kitchen, delivered some papers as usual. Then I went to a stationary store to buy an electronic kettle. On the way returning to the office, I suddenly had a strong desire of sweets. I started to rationalized my thoughts about eating chocolates, even I didn’t start to eat a thing. ‘Just today. Just one. You lost over 10lbs for past few weeks and this is a prize. You know you can’t hold yourself for a lifetime. You know you can’t resist from it for a lifetime.’ FUCK. I went straight to the office kitchen and opened the snack drawer, stuffed my coat pockets with chocolates and crackers, bited a chocolate pie at the same time. An instant relief came to my mind. I was fucking happy. Then of course I knew that I can’t control myself the rest of the day. That was 10:50AM.

In 50 minitues, I ate over 10 little chocolates, 4 mini chocolate pies, 4 packs of cookie. As I stuffed my stomach with greasy foods quickly, I started to feel sick that I couldn’t have a lunch with my team, which I decided to eat a lot to make my cheat day. Also I wanted to throw up, and I did.

During the afternoon work there were couple of chances that I could go outside. I ate a sandwich, breads, cookies everytime I go out. Of course, I also ate quite lots of little cookies at the office, trying to hide it from other people. On the way home I drank a tall size Starbucks yogurt drink, and cancelled my personal training schedule. As soon as I arrived home, I threw up one more, made myself a better state to binge.

As my family went out for a dinner, I ran to a store and bought cup noodles, chips, drinks, a corn salad, and icecreams. Fortune out of misery, I really couldn’t eat those things as I felt so full and sick. I threw up again and threw away foods. Then my family returned home. Of course they couldn’t get any idea of my binging. I silently ate rest of the chips and cookies, trying not to be discovered by them. Things finished over 11:00PM. Before I went to bed, I assured that I’ll do harder to lose weight from tomorrow, and also to retrieve from today’s binging. I prayed. I did.

I am okay about yesterday’s binging cause I felt littlebit happy at that time, and I know that I really couldn’t resisist it. (Though if I did, I would do that another near day) The thing I worry about is an aftereffect of yesterday. Binging one day easily leads to the next day’s binging. I know I will regret it if I do. I know I will give up the rest of the day if I do. I know I might give up my whole diet if I binge over 2 days. I don’t want that. What I really want is getting fit, wearing fit, and living fit. An instant evil, vicious temptation must not destroy me. I can do this. I really can do this. I love my self and I CAN DO THIS.

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Let’s start over

I will not beat around the bush. I suffered from eating disorder (mostly bulimia and short term of anorexia) for over 7 years. Writing it on the internet really is not easy. Could sound stupid but I am quite afraid that people close to me might find out this blog and know about my personal secret, which I consider to be my “pressure point”.

But I thought nothing will be changed unless I come out of my shell, open up my heart and share my stories honestly. I have been deceived and rationalized myself with proper excuses, made myself as a victim, which made me more miserable over pass few years. From now, however, I will confront my situations. Instead of hiding, I will write about my eating disorder stories without lying. I really hope this could work out and make myself feel comfortable.

Lastly, to whoever reading this with eating disorder like me, let’s not give up because of a small mistake. I am certain that there is another chance for you and me. We can do this.