A Binge Guide

I worked out 3 hours a day for past 3 days to make up Wednesday’s binging. (I call it punishing.) I had to hit the gym as I planned but I was too tired when I woke up so skipped exercising today, instead I’m enjoying lazy Sunday afternoon sitting on my bed.

It’s quite horrible that I’m waiting for my next cheating day – 2 days from now. To be honest sugar craving already bothers me but I’m denying it so I could not binge till next Wednesday. I want to make a binge food list but I’m also not doing it to deny my cravings.

Instead I’m gonna make a guidance list on my binge day to distract myself.

  • Keep all the food receipts : Just for checking, not for criticizing. I always threw away the receipts and I couldn’t remember how much food I intake exactly. Memories get blurred and distorted as my unconscious tries to delete and justify binging.
  • Eat a proper dinner with someone : Even if I binged/purged before, having a light meal with someone will reduce my time alone, and it will prevent next b/p-ing and reduce crap feelings.
  • Do not let the ED monster control the next day either : Constant b/p-ing is not the way to deal with myself. Eating on Wednesday is happy and could be special because I try hard not to binge the other days.
  • Reduce punishing time : I exercised hard and reduced food intake radically at least 3 days after the cheating day (for last 2 weeks) but reduce it to 2 days. Let’s not think it as a punishment, it’s a make up time.
  • DO NOT BLAME MYSELF : For any reason. If I don’t trust myself nobody will trust me. Nothing bad happens unless I blame myself.

My final goal: No cheating day, no binge day and eat appropriate amount of sweets everyday. (e.g. : 1 small pack of cookies or chocolates every morning)

I hope I can manage myself till Wednesday. We can do this if we believe in ourselves.

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Thank you

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Yesterday was a day. On my way home after writing Fortunate because tomorrow is another day , I bought a fresh salad for me and a sandwich for my mom. I wanted to talk about my feelings and thoughts to her, because she is the one who knows and worries about my eating disorder mostly. I’ve been avoiding talking about the things I faced for last few months but I decided to make a change.

Talking about the dinner by the way, it was a proper meal I ate for the first time in months with other person. I finished a pack of salad delightly with dressings on it, along with 4 slices of pita bread. Nor did the calories, sugars in dressings, or fried toppings were my concern. Maybe because it was a cheating day I permitted to myself or maybe because I truly enjoyed the free moment with my mom. Either way I was happy.

I told her that I want to get help from an ED service, and that I might lose a chance again if I don’t start now. I could feel that she was listening with her whole heart. She told me that there is a beautiful, shining world waiting out there if I get over, and I have to do my best and come out of my shell to end this. And she wanted to help me without a second of hesitation. We decided to go to an ED clinic 2 weeks later.

I always cry when I talk about my bulimia because I feel misery and pity of myself, but it was different this time. I cried because I felt unlimited thanks to my mom. There still is my side supporting me no matter what happens, the person who believes me despite of 8 years of eating disorder. I used to be mad at my family and didn’t even talk to them for a long time because I was mad at myself. I needed someone to blame on because I always avoided facing it.

But there is a problem waiting to be solved. I can’t hide anymore and just started my tough journey.

Sometimes you might get help from others easier than you think. Someone who would gladly reach their hands exists even though we are not realizing it. Being a little honest could be the key. That’s what I learned yesterday.

Fortunate because tomorrow is another day

Yes I binged, yes I purged today. It was a planned one, fortunately. Fortunate b/p? Ridiculous but now I’m trying to think it that way. I succeed in not binging yesterday as I struggled to distract myself from all the cravings, told myself to eat tomorrow. It’s been a week so I made my mind to have a cheating day.

I’m usually a heavy sleeper but I woke up more than 5 times last night, waiting for morning to come. Ugh…Both pathetic and pitful. I woke up at 6:30 AM and started a day with a full cup of yogurt with nuts and 2 slices of bread. I was already full with this amount as I starved for a long time which made my stomach shrink. I could easily make myself sick with just a couple of biscuits and chocolate pies, and here we go. Purging again.

Before going out with my coworkers to have a regular team lunch, I sneaked out of the office and went to Burgerking to grab some snacks to binge. French fries, nuggets, and a soft ice cream. While eating them I was nervous of posibilities that I could meet anyone I know, which made me even more sick that I felt not good while eating lunch with my coworkers. When I returned to the office I became too full and sick that I could hardly walk, which made me throw up again.

Eating the least and exercising the most to recover from one day binge – That’s what I’m going to do from tomorrow. It’s the cycle I’m on it now. I think I’ll be greedy again next Wednesday and give a cheating day to myself again. I know one day cheating would not end in just one day eventually. But I’m not trying to blame myself for now. I’ll try to look on the bright side. I’m fortunate that I didn’t binge yesterday. I’ll fortunately get back on track again from tomorrow because I’m gonna believe myself. Until now I just blamed and cursed on myself, which led to another day binging justifying emotional eating. But I’ll give a little credit to myself which will change many things in the end.

Tomorrow is another day.

Valentine’s day Panic

Literally sweat all over a minute ago. People in my office called me over to eat valentine chocolates with them. I was struggling to resist the temptation of sugar cravings & binging from this morning. As I heard a rustle tearing off chocolate bags, I felt like I’m going crazy. And they called me again. Oh my god. I knew I won’t eat just one. Eating just a piece will definitely make me binge and purge again. I’ll eat just one or two in front of them but eat a lot more when they are not watching me. I’ll binge whole day along if I eat this now. I needed an excuse. A good one. So I acted like I have to apply my courses in the exact minute like buying a concert ticket. They understood and didn’t bother me anymore.

I shivered with panic for next few minutes. My heart was beating fast. I could pass the dangerous moment but I still wanted chocolates. Also I do now. I don’t want to think about it but I am constantly imagining me opening the snack drawer in the office kitchen and push in a cholcolate pie in my mouth. I went to a toilet, crouched and was in agony whether to choose binge ‘just today’ or not. Thank god I chose not to and I’m sitting at my desk.

Every day I’m on a warpath. There is no exeption to valentines day either. I hope I can make it through today. Happy valentine’s day to you even you are on a harsh road like me.

What’s safe is not safe

I’ve lost 2.2 lbs in a week. Considering last Wednesday’s binging, I guess it’s the best result I could make. (6 lbs more to lose until I reach my goal weight!) I harshly punished myself for the next 4 days, ate at least I could and exercised the most I could. Bit afraid of the side effect but I’m doing well now. I’m trying to increase my food intake slowly from this week to prevent sudden binging.

Wandering around some blogs about eating disorder, I noticed people use the word ‘safe’ a lot. Safe foods, safe weight… As I’m not a native English speaker, it was a bit new to me at first. Also I soon realized that I also have those things of course though I didn’t have a word to categorize them. I think the word safe means a line. The line we rope dance on. Below the line, there are all the horrible things we can think of as a eating disorder – binging, purging, sugar cravings, etc. Of course we want to stay on the line but it’s too sharp and weak to hold you. So we fall out and hit the ground so easily, struggle to get back on it.

I also have safety lines for food, which helped me a lot losing weight. But would I be possible to eat only safe food to keep safe weight for my entire life?

These are my safe food:

  • yogurt (low or non fat, non sugar)
  • chicken breast (without seasoning)
  • sweet potato (small one. I can cut a large one into small but I might eat all of it as I grab it)
  • almond (under 10 at once)
  • wholewheat bread (under 2 slices at once)
  • fruits (I used to eat a lot but now I’m only eating little bit b/c of sugars in them)
  • vegetables
  • soybean milk (non sugar)
  • skim milk
  • protein bread

Almost everything else is not safe. Of course I can’t eat only these things for entire life and I shouldn’t. And I know insisting safe food only ends in binging normal food. It’s even hilarious labeling food safe or not safe. All food is safe if I eat appropriate portions. If I eat one doughnut, it’s safe. If I eat a cup of ice cream, it’s safe. It’s not safe when I eat all doughnuts and a whole pint of ice cream. In theory I know. But also it’s hard to carry out. And that was always the failure point – stick to safe food and break down at some point, start binging but couldn’t return to safe food again easily.

I won’t let it happen again. I’ll try harder this time so that I could get out of this miserable cycle. I should widen my safe food range slowly and practice to eat appropriate portions for me. I won’t give up even though I fall out sometime, wishing that someday I could eat a piece of cake and feel happy about it, without any guilt or urge to purge.

‘Normal’ Sunday Afternoon

Of cousre as a person with eating disorder, I have tons of difficulties having social life. Because social life involves eating food, which I don’t allow when I’m on a diet. Eating with other people is a risk to me cause every normal meal (non safe food) could start sudden cravings. And I don’t like to talk about food, weight loss or something about health because it reminds me of my eating disorder constantly.

Also I’m not confident. As I gained over 25 lbs over 4 month, I’m afraid that people would judge or tease me. AND THEY DO. Some of my friends said “Hey you got double chin it’s funny”, “You eat a lot than before. Don’t you care how you look?” A boy that I used to meet pinched my belly and said that I’ve become an enourmous pig with a huge back. I know better than them that I’m not attractive like I used to. I know better than them that it’s hard to look at myself in a mirror after gaining massive body fat. But they don’t have a right to embarrass me. Why talk out loud and make me miserable? I started to think that people think I am fat whether they talk out loud or not. Some of them are being polite, some of them are being nasty. Either way they are judging me.

So I started to isolate myself. My last time wiht my friends was 3 months ago. I don’t meet anybody outside work. I don’t want them to look at my body though I lost 14 pounds cause I am still not confident. I still hate my body and don’t want to show it. I hate to eat normal meals with people because it might start food cravings. I locked myself in a total loneliness.

I’m working for a company this winter vacation. I lie to people at the office to avoid eating with them, saying I have lunch meetings with my friends almost everyday. People think I have lots of friends but I am alone. Every lunch time I go to the park or the coffee shop nearby to eat my lunch – a chicken breast or a protein bread with non sugar soybean milk. I’m not sure that I feel sad because it is a normal daily life to me. Also I’m not sure that this feeling is loneliness.

Punishing myself

img_1360After binging and purging on Wednesday, I became more anxious about weight gaining and worrying that I might not lose any pound. As I promised myself to measure weight every Monday nomatter what happens before (binging on Sunday for example), I wanted to do something – kind of punishing myself.

So I skipped breakfast yesterday, walked to the office and walked back to home as well. After eating a small cup of low fat yogurt for dinner, I went to gym and worked out longer and harder than I used to. In total I worked out about 4 hours with barely eating in a day. Seeing my sweat-wet tshirt after working out, I could ease my guilt a little.

As I planned to stick with this schedule till the end of this week, I ate 10 cherry tomatoes and a low fat yogurt this morning. I HATE tomatoes. I hate the taste, the scent, the texture, everything. But I ate it. To punish myself. To punish my binging. Instead of eating a delicious apple or a sweetpotato as a good start of a day, I chose tomatoes to show myself a little piece of misery. I wanted to cry until I finish chewing and swallowing those horrible 10 little things. Do I really have to do this to me?

I know punishment with harder exercise and restriction on food might lead to sudden food cravings. I am really aware of it and I’m afraid of it. But I can’t stop myself. I just can’t stop thinking about weight and guilt and redemption.

If nothing special happens, I will have a small cup of lowfat yogurt for dinner and go to gym, workout harder as yesterday. My redemption will success if my weight goes down on Monday.

Sigh, where am I going. I feel so alone.