21 March, Therapy session #6
24 March, Therapy session #7
The psychiatric therapy I’ve been doing is focusing on something different from 2 previous therapy I did (but gave up) before. Childhood trauma. I’ve never expected I would recall my childhood memories because I usually talked about my present life before. My present doctor believes that ED is deeply related to babyhood and childhood because people build their ego, especially self-esteem during this time. He said that low self-esteem is based on ED, which is formatted between a relationship with a child and a mother. When a mother neglects her child’s emotion, the child thinks that mother doesn’t like her/him because she/he is worthless. In this way, repetitive child negligence results in low self-esteem. As the child grows and when her/his self-esteem is mixed with depression or obsession, ED could easily lapse.
I always thought that the cause of my ED and weight obsession was bullying, though my self-esteem was low before that. And I couldn’t accept the word ‘child negligence’ because I thought my mom devoted her life for me and cared about me all the time. I am quite confused and don’t know how to embrace these facts… I remember that my mom had a serious depression for a couple of years when I was 2 or 3 years old but… That can be the reason of my low self-esteem? How could that be related to my ED and obsession and perfectionism? And is that the reason why I always feel some kind of pressure to make my mom satisfied?
Though my doctor and nurse told me to think it slowly, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even remember those time so how could I know that I experienced emotional negligence…? And most of all I feel guilty to my mom though I really don’t blame her.
So confused…
Let's start over 
Hi Yun
I am glad to hear you are attending therapy. It’s amazing how our stories are so different yet similar at the same time.
When I told my mum I had bulimia, once of the first things she did was to go see some acquaintance who was a psychologist… The psy told mum that I had bulimia because I had issues with her and that I should do therapy away from her! I chose not to listen. I went home to my mum, did some therapy and dropped out and built my own way to recovery.
Prior to bulimia I had a history of being mistreated, I have always known my parents were out of line in many ways . Now I have grown up I know why my parents were like this. I may have benefited from therapy, but I chose not to bother because I knew exactly what the problem was. It was constant memories and reminders that wouldn’t leave me alone and I felt like I was sh*t because I had been told that’s what I was . In your case, it seems as though the memories are suppressed, there has been occasions where you have felt worthless. She may not have been as brutal as my parents were. It could have been a gesture, a failure to show up at some event. She could have insisted on feeding you something you didn’t like, or failed to feed you properly, left you on your own for many hours… It could be anything, really.
You know, sometimes communication is not clear. It’s all about reading between the lines. I was always doing that kind of stuff when I was a kid. If she said that, it means this or that. I was always looking for the actual meaning, the hidden thoughts behind words. That’s possibly why I can remember so much. Your mother may not have been straightforward in her communication but she may have hinted at things….
Have you ever looked in your family’s past? For instance, has your mother had a miscarriage before you were born? How were her parents? By actively listening to what she says or asking questions, you will find some truths.
As I changed my site a little bit since the last time we spoke, here is a link. I provide tips for recovery there.
http://www.selfexpandation.com
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I’m trying to figure out the reason of my bulimia in my old memories. I hope I find out the exact problem soon. Thanks for your lovely advice! Hang in there xo 💕
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I really recommend that you read You Can Heal Your Life. The best advice it gives you is It doesn’t matter where you start. I say that because it may not be important to know WHY you have bulimia at this point. What matters is that you change the way you see yourself and food. What do you think of yourself now? Are you willing to give yourself some praise for fighting this thing, for being on your way to recovery? If yes, well done. If no, question this: why don’t you want to praise yourself? What’s stopping you?
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It all comes down to working on your mind, and changing the way you see things.
I moved on from checking my weight at least once a day to never checking my weight at all (only at the doctor’s when they ask).. Actually I don’t even have scales! Also moved on from chain smoking to utter distaste for cigarettes, drinking loads of soda to 0 soda, and lots of other things. When there is motivation the mind can do anything!
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It may not be important to know WHY you have bulimia at this point. What matters is that you change the way you see yourself and food.
It does hit my mind… As u said willingness could be more important than reminiscence. Focusing on present recovery should be the first all the time. Though I know I’m trying not to restrict myself from food and think I could get a prize for my efforts, my courage is not enough yet. But I know I won’t give up! Thanks for making me staying motivated. Have a wonderful day xx
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Thank you for your words, Yun. Yes, stay in the present, willingness is more important. The past cannot be changed anyway, though some people have fun replaying events differently to release emotional baggage. Value yourself and people will value you.
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