March 6th, therapy session #2
My nurse wanted to listen to my initial trigger of weight obsession. I told her that my classmates made fun of my body for 2 years. I was always tall and my puberty hit me faster than other kids. With secondary sex characteristics, I gained weight suddenly. I wasn’t an obese but clearly bigger than other girls. Boys teased me every single day. I tried to be cool but over time I felt like I’m getting uglier whenever I look myself in the mirror. So I lost weight 37 lbs with extreme diet (Bmi 22 to 16). I liked the feeling that I can control my weight and food intake. I loved the feeling that I am superior because I am thinner than others. I liked not having periods over one and a half year because it was a proof of underweight. I liked my anorexia at 16-17.
I thought I could control my life forever but it was’t that easy. As anorexia turned into bulimia at 18, I lost all control. As I gained more than 40lbs (Bmi 16 to 23), I started not seeing friends because I lost confidence. I couldn’t concentrate on studying because I was always thinking about me being fat. I couldn’t go shopping as I didn’t look in the mirrors. I couldn’t do anything but binging and purging.
This two things cycled over and over. At 19, I took over control of myself again, lost weight (Bmi 20) and studied hard for university admittance. At 20, I gained weight again because of endless drinking and binging. At 21, I lost weight enormously again, over 40lbs (Bmi 26 to 19), and had a wonderful year, traveling all around the world and getting a highest grade- the results of perfect control. At 22, I managed my weight somehow till summer but gained over 20lbs again (Bmi 19 to 24) as I worked part time at night and my depression got worse than ever. Every binge period (weight gain period) I stopped meeting friends and didn’t go to school because I didn’t want to hear people make fun of me. I gave up on literally everything.
Now I’m 23, my Bmi is 19.5. I lost 25 lbs and I think I am getting back on track but I can’t rest a minute without thinking about weight. I didn’t realize how ED could make my life horrible before. I couldn’t even figure out what I was going through first and second time. At the third time, I knew I should get out of binging but failed everyday for 4 months last year. Luckily I could get out of the worst but I still want to binge and purge sometimes.
My nurse told me that I am always myself no matter what weight I am. Theoretically yes but hard to embrace it. I always gave up on myself whenever bulimia relapses and weight increases. I used to let my body and mind in despair and cursed myself every day. I guess the reason why I couldn’t say that I am offended to people who made fun of me was because I already undervalue and criticize my ego and body. Nobody will love me if I don’t love myself.
Though I am not ready yet to accept myself regardless of weight, but I think I will try to understand myself more from now on. Maybe the word control is not suitable for life. Riding waves sounds more plausible. I should learn to riding waves rather than dominate or control. Step by step.