Finally I stopped procrastinating and went to clinic today. It’s eating disorder specialized, which is different from 2 other clinics I went few years ago. I wanted to get help from an ED expert, not from just a doctor who gets paid from 10 minutes of useless talking. They didn’t care much about my psychological issues, instead prescribed antidepressant and appetite suppressant pills. I wanted to talk about my secrecy and lay down a burden but they were always busy writing down my words and adding more pills to the prescription.
But this was different. There was a doctor who manages prescriptions and counseling and a nurse who does psychological counseling mainly. They listened and diagnosed differently from my former doctors. They said I’m more close to anorexia than bulimia. That my perfectionism, obsessive calculation of time and food, strict restriction, hiding feelings are symptoms of anorexia. Bulimia was the rebound of long time restriction but anorexia is based on my nature. And they said it might take longer and harder than other people as I have both and go back and forth.
I tried not to but cried as the doctor said I must start eating normal portions like others and gaining weight could be unavoidable. I literally panicked because I’ve been struggle losing weight to go back to my previous weight (weight before the 4 months of crazy binge period) for last 2 months. I couldn’t accept gaining even a pound. As I didn’t answer and just cried, he sent me to have a chat and relax with the nurse. I told her that I need to lose more to go back to my weight and I am afraid of gaining weight. She understood and told me that I don’t have to increase portions sharply. She said that I could increase portions slowly if I want while giving some adjustment time to my body. I thought I could accept that because I could still lose weight a little more (just about 4-5 pounds) while eating a little more, and I also knew that I need to increase the food intake to the basal metabolic rate at least.
I spent about a hour with the nurse, talking about my ED history. She was so kind and listened. I don’t remember much as I kept crying but few important things are still in my mind. She said that recovery is a step of getting to know myself, and it will be hard to face and understand myself. She said I might binge and purge again during the recovery but I should remember that it is not my fault. She reminded me that I need to believe in hope and should never give up.
I went back to the doctor and said that I will start my recovery session. I thought I have to go on because there is no other option other than that. Staying still is not an option.
I came back home with 6 antidepressant pills and 8 different kinds of psychological tests. Mindset over, real recovery start. I will not give up. If I change nothing, nothing will change.