A Study in Love

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

from the movie Wallflower

 

Do I deserve love? That’s a hard question. Thankfully my family still loves and supports me despite of my 8 years of ED. I can feel their love so I’m sure about it. And I’m trying to spend time with them and be nice these days.

But when it comes to ‘love’ between man and woman, I’m not sure about it. I’m a heterosexual but I’ve never met a guy I like. I’ve dated a couple of guys but none of them were trustworthy. I think I need someone to rely on and talk about my ED other than my family. (Once I told it to my closest friends but they didn’t take it seriously so I never talk about it again.)

I’ve never told any of my ex-boyfriends about my ED and I didn’t have that much boyfriends. My ED started at 16, the age every kid already experienced a crush on somebody. But all of my senses were fully concenterated on losing weight. I didn’t lose weight to look pretty to boys. To me anorexia was the way of reigning. I thought other kids were below me because they were fatter, shorter and stupider than me. I was the smartest and skinniest girl in my class. Every other kids and teachers admired me and thought I was perfect. (Now I think I was just a smart ass though.) As I spent all day studying and losing weight, I didn’t have a chance to meet a boy.

Then I met my first boyfriend when anorexia started turning into bulimia. I couldn’t stop myself from endless binging and purging, and was in horrible depression as I gained exessive amount of fat. I couldn’t talk about it because I was afraid that he would judge and criticize me. And above all I couldn’t even figure out what I was going through. We drifted apart naturally and broke up after 2 years as I didn’t have an interest in our relationship.

I’ve dated with some guys after entering university but I couldn’t feel any affection or trust. I was in my ED world. My weight went up and down like a roller coaster and I was obsessed with it. Meanwhile I made my ego smaller and always thought I’m worthless because I have eating disorder. I believed that I don’t deserve a nice guy because I’m not a nice girl with ‘normal appetite’.

I think that’s the reason why I’ve never met anybody I could love and trust. I never gave love or trust to myself. We accept the love that we think we deserve. I should change my thoughts and love myself first. Eating disorder is not a shame. It’s just a sickness. Sickness can’t make people worthless. And I should be proud of myself because I’m doing my best to recover.

I hope you have a lovely day and love yourself. We are all just a beginner but a lot of things will change in the end. We all deserve love. xx.

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