Catatonic Lunch

Just had a lunch with my bosses, which was inevitable. I was in catatonic as soon as I saw the foods. Calories. Salt. Fat. Foods without Nutrition facts label. Situation got worse as they ordered a glass of wine to each person. I liked drinking but since my 4 months crazy binge/purging period last year was accompanied with alcohol and got worse, I try not to drink as much as possible. But there was no way I could refuse, so I just drank it. Pathetic ridiculous bureaucracy. Ugh.

I divided foods with my eyes. 1/3 of the rice, 5 little slices of tofu, 2 spoons of fish soup. There was no urge to binge, only tension and resistance did exist. I wanted to runaway and hide behind my safe foods. I started eating the portion that I allowed to myself, which was a way smaller than normal people’s appetite. As I worried, one of my bosses asked me why am I eat so small. I lied that I’m a slow eater. Even though other people finished their meal, my dish was barely changed. I didn’t want them to see it as they might ask about my appetite or porton again. I wanted to cover it with a napkin but thought that could be rude, so I just gave the dish to the waiter as he came. Sugary milk coffee was served as a dessert but again I pretended to drink it.

My hands were shaking and heart was beating. I promised myself to practice eating normal food with other people but it is really hard. It’s so hard to decide how much I should eat while avoiding weight gain, binge craving and other people’s attention. Long way to go.

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