What’s safe is not safe

I’ve lost 2.2 lbs in a week. Considering last Wednesday’s binging, I guess it’s the best result I could make. (6 lbs more to lose until I reach my goal weight!) I harshly punished myself for the next 4 days, ate at least I could and exercised the most I could. Bit afraid of the side effect but I’m doing well now. I’m trying to increase my food intake slowly from this week to prevent sudden binging.

Wandering around some blogs about eating disorder, I noticed people use the word ‘safe’ a lot. Safe foods, safe weight… As I’m not a native English speaker, it was a bit new to me at first. Also I soon realized that I also have those things of course though I didn’t have a word to categorize them. I think the word safe means a line. The line we rope dance on. Below the line, there are all the horrible things we can think of as a eating disorder – binging, purging, sugar cravings, etc. Of course we want to stay on the line but it’s too sharp and weak to hold you. So we fall out and hit the ground so easily, struggle to get back on it.

I also have safety lines for food, which helped me a lot losing weight. But would I be possible to eat only safe food to keep safe weight for my entire life?

These are my safe food:

  • yogurt (low or non fat, non sugar)
  • chicken breast (without seasoning)
  • sweet potato (small one. I can cut a large one into small but I might eat all of it as I grab it)
  • almond (under 10 at once)
  • wholewheat bread (under 2 slices at once)
  • fruits (I used to eat a lot but now I’m only eating little bit b/c of sugars in them)
  • vegetables
  • soybean milk (non sugar)
  • skim milk
  • protein bread

Almost everything else is not safe. Of course I can’t eat only these things for entire life and I shouldn’t. And I know insisting safe food only ends in binging normal food. It’s even hilarious labeling food safe or not safe. All food is safe if I eat appropriate portions. If I eat one doughnut, it’s safe. If I eat a cup of ice cream, it’s safe. It’s not safe when I eat all doughnuts and a whole pint of ice cream. In theory I know. But also it’s hard to carry out. And that was always the failure point – stick to safe food and break down at some point, start binging but couldn’t return to safe food again easily.

I won’t let it happen again. I’ll try harder this time so that I could get out of this miserable cycle. I should widen my safe food range slowly and practice to eat appropriate portions for me. I won’t give up even though I fall out sometime, wishing that someday I could eat a piece of cake and feel happy about it, without any guilt or urge to purge.

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