‘Normal’ Sunday Afternoon

Of cousre as a person with eating disorder, I have tons of difficulties having social life. Because social life involves eating food, which I don’t allow when I’m on a diet. Eating with other people is a risk to me cause every normal meal (non safe food) could start sudden cravings. And I don’t like to talk about food, weight loss or something about health because it reminds me of my eating disorder constantly.

Also I’m not confident. As I gained over 25 lbs over 4 month, I’m afraid that people would judge or tease me. AND THEY DO. Some of my friends said “Hey you got double chin it’s funny”, “You eat a lot than before. Don’t you care how you look?” A boy that I used to meet pinched my belly and said that I’ve become an enourmous pig with a huge back. I know better than them that I’m not attractive like I used to. I know better than them that it’s hard to look at myself in a mirror after gaining massive body fat. But they don’t have a right to embarrass me. Why talk out loud and make me miserable? I started to think that people think I am fat whether they talk out loud or not. Some of them are being polite, some of them are being nasty. Either way they are judging me.

So I started to isolate myself. My last time wiht my friends was 3 months ago. I don’t meet anybody outside work. I don’t want them to look at my body though I lost 14 pounds cause I am still not confident. I still hate my body and don’t want to show it. I hate to eat normal meals with people because it might start food cravings. I locked myself in a total loneliness.

I’m working for a company this winter vacation. I lie to people at the office to avoid eating with them, saying I have lunch meetings with my friends almost everyday. People think I have lots of friends but I am alone. Every lunch time I go to the park or the coffee shop nearby to eat my lunch – a chicken breast or a protein bread with non sugar soybean milk. I’m not sure that I feel sad because it is a normal daily life to me. Also I’m not sure that this feeling is loneliness.

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