Punishing myself

img_1360After binging and purging on Wednesday, I became more anxious about weight gaining and worrying that I might not lose any pound. As I promised myself to measure weight every Monday nomatter what happens before (binging on Sunday for example), I wanted to do something – kind of punishing myself.

So I skipped breakfast yesterday, walked to the office and walked back to home as well. After eating a small cup of low fat yogurt for dinner, I went to gym and worked out longer and harder than I used to. In total I worked out about 4 hours with barely eating in a day. Seeing my sweat-wet tshirt after working out, I could ease my guilt a little.

As I planned to stick with this schedule till the end of this week, I ate 10 cherry tomatoes and a low fat yogurt this morning. I HATE tomatoes. I hate the taste, the scent, the texture, everything. But I ate it. To punish myself. To punish my binging. Instead of eating a delicious apple or a sweetpotato as a good start of a day, I chose tomatoes to show myself a little piece of misery. I wanted to cry until I finish chewing and swallowing those horrible 10 little things. Do I really have to do this to me?

I know punishment with harder exercise and restriction on food might lead to sudden food cravings. I am really aware of it and I’m afraid of it. But I can’t stop myself. I just can’t stop thinking about weight and guilt and redemption.

If nothing special happens, I will have a small cup of lowfat yogurt for dinner and go to gym, workout harder as yesterday. My redemption will success if my weight goes down on Monday.

Sigh, where am I going. I feel so alone.

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